Saturday, December 15, 2007

The best comment ever.

It's pretty awesome when children offend me. I know I shouldn't respond to this, but it sort of feels like a fun thing to do.

Here's a comment on an entry I posted that was copied and pasted from a movie review almost a year ago:

"If you write shorter posts people might actually resd them."

Thank you, "Deathskull."

Deathskull's blog address is http://deathskull13.blogspot.com

Deathskull writes poetry about werewolves and vampires. Deeply uninteresting, derivative, and juvenile. To be sure, there's an audience for that sort of stuff, but I'm not a part of it. Deathskull, on the other hand, just might be. The entry that she(?) commented on was from a review of "Underworld: Evolution." A film about--get this--vampires and werewolves.

I'm assuming that you aren't interested in my weblog, Deathskull. No worries. Most people aren't. I'm also assuming that you didn't bother to note that the post wasn't written by me, and that you didn't bother to read any other entries that I've written. Probably because they don't deal with shapeshifting or bloodsucking. Assface.

Question: did you come across this blog as a result of googling "werewolf," or something like that? If so, you won the blog lottery. Your prize is this sentence: Werewolves and Vampires are MADE UP. They don't exist in the real world, with the possible exception of the LARP community, or in D&D. Deal with it. I'm assuming that you wear a cape, too, and paint your fingernails black.

My posts are too long?

They weren't meant for anyone but me. If you're bored, stop reading. It's not for you, anyhow, fuckface.

If you are interested, and want to keep reading, thank you. Otherwise, I don't give a shit. As a wise Kentuckian once said, "Don't make no difference to me. Ain't no skin off my ass."

Best name ever, btw. Does the "13" mean that you're 13 years old? Winner.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

I Love the Writers' Strike

When the writers strike first went down, I must admit that I was sort of worried about the few shows that I like stopping for an indefinite period of time. Le Wif and I had created, like so many others (probably?), television "nights" where we'd watch, eat popcorn, and generally enjoy the fruits of our sloth. Mostly, it was an excuse to take a rest from the various remodeling projects we've undertaken over the past year.

Mondays was Heroes, and sometimes Chuck, both monumental time-wasters. Thursdays, though, was the big night--we've been superficially committed to The Office, 30 Rock, and My Name is Earl through the past season-and-a-half and, despite the fact that both The Office and My Name is Earl have significantly decreased in quality in their 2007-8 seasons, we were pretty much enjoying it all. And then word of the strike began to brew.

Recently, new episodes of the great majority of television shows have stopped appearing, and with that, I assume ratings have been going down. Note that I haven't checked any numbers or reports, but this is nothing more than pure conjecture. Point is, there's nothing to watch right now. Which is probably bad for television networks, and monumentally great for the American public. And by "American public," I mean "me."

I've noticed that we've been watching less television over the last couple weeks, and that the house has been in better order. Not much better, mind you, but better nonetheless. It's crazy--I have time to do the stuff I now realize I'd rather be doing. Weird, huh? For example, last week I sent some manuscripts to agents and started reading--get this--a book. Wild shit. It's amazing what we can do when we let ourselves.

Admittedly, television has been pretty damned good for the last few years. This is, of course, my opinion, and it's probably due to the fact that folks around my age are now beginning to write television shows. Which means that I identify with it more, or find more humor in the lot of it, or whatever. It's all changing now, because of this dang strike. And I hope it never ends.

Don't get me wrong--I think that the writers should get the money they want, et cetera ad nauseum. But I'm pretty much done with being a fan of any tv shows, at least for the time being. Here's why--the networks, presumably in response to this, are bringing back all these shows that we remember from our childhoods. Because they want to tap into our nostalgia banks and tune in. All this started with movie remakes years ago.

Remakes, of course, have a rich history--but back in the day, when they used to remake a movie, they'd give it a different title or put some kind of spin on the story, in an attempt to take a classic and make it a newer, hipper, or more pleasant classic. Now, they just slap a cgi Great Dane on the screen and appeal to the 30-year-old's inner child in the previews, make them spend the 10 bucks or whatever, and don't bother to pay attention to the quality of the garbage they're putting out. In other words, they're raping our collective childhood by putting Jessica Simpson in the role of Daisy Duke and putting a live-action Speed Racer out. Ick.

Like I said, this is moving into television big-time, and you can expect it to completely ruin the reasonably good run that television's had over the last few years. Case in point: American Gladiators.

Oh my Fucking God.

AG classic:




AG Redux:



I'm speechless. Can't write any more. Am going to go jump off of a building right now. Probably a tall one. Oy.

Friday, December 07, 2007

On Last.fm...

This might come as a surprise to a few people who know me, but I'm pretty sure I like music again, and it's because of last.fm. As per usual, I'm behind the times, but this is neat lil' piece of technology. If'n you haven't used it before, you register, perhaps download their desktop software, and then type in your favorite group/artist/whatever-you-call-it, and it'll play "similar artists" to what you've typed in. From there, you can rate the songs that play with either "love it" or "don't play this ever again." You can also submit comments on the songs that are playing.

Here's where the assumptions start.

I suppose that the "similar-to" feature is predicated upon how users rate music and there's some algorithm that figures out what else you might like if you like the thing you typed in. Seems to make sense, sort of like Google's directed advertising or Amazon's "People who bought this also bought" feature. Here's the inherent problem: people who like Fugazi apparently have HORRIBLE taste in music. Here's a quick sampling of the songs that play when I type in "Fugazi," the songs that follow, and my commentary on them.

Against Me!-"A Brief Yet Triumphant Introduction"--I know nothing about Against Me!, but I do know this: this song is boring. Also, they blow goats.

Lost Alone-"Say no to the world"--I've never heard of this band, but they sound like the Killers, if the Killers actually used a somewhat natural tone on their drums. Here's the thing--they make me want to jump off of a building.

Don Caballero-"Delivering the Groceries at 138 Beats Per Minute"--Finally a decent band, but this song takes a VERY long time to get started. But it's pretty good, and within the same universe as Fugazi, which makes me less nervous.

Yo La Tengo-"I Should Have Known Better"--I've tried to get into YLT a number of times, and was never really able to. But this tune reminds me of pretty much every other prototypical indie rock band, and I can't say I hate it. It's just kind of, "Whatever." More or less background music. You know.

Escape the Fate-"The Ransom"--I wish someone would kidnap this band for ransom. Better yet, they should be buried alive with their records so that nobody would ever have to listen to them again. Sounds like EVERYTHING ELSE on the radio right now. I'd like to escape the fate of ever having to hear their brand of PUNK (tm) ever again.

Joy Division-"Shadowplay"--This is more like what I'd expect to hear after typing in "Fugazi" and choosing to listen to "similar artists." Never really cared for Joy Division, but it's certainly not as bad as Escape the Feces, or Against Me, or (insert pseudo pop-punk band name here).

The Stooges-"Death Trip"--Finally, the first VERY GOOD song I've heard in this go 'round with last.fm. I got into The Stooges when I was about 23 or 24 (not too long ago), and think that pretty much everything they've done was great. You know Mike Watt from the Minutemen toured with them? I think he's actually in the Stooges now. Pretty cool.

Coheed and Cambria-"The Willing Well I: Fuel for the Feeding End"--This band is basically Styx, if Styx had contemporary recording equipment. The song reminds me so much of "Mr. Roboto" that it's now stuck in my head. I like "Mr. Roboto" way more than this, by the way. Other than that, this song is a completely dull song masquerading as an interesting song. Blecch.

Late of the Pier-"Broken"--I've never heard of this band before, and even though it's sort of got that 80's dancy quality that I typically hate, I actually think this is kind of good. Nothing like Fugazi, but not too bad. The keyboards at times sound very 8 bit Nintendoey. That might have something to do with it.

Scratch Acid-"Crazy Dan"--I've never had the opportunity to hear Scratch Acid before, and I've wanted to for some time. It's David Yow's first band, which is why I became interested. It's pretty good. So, check it out or something.

Circle Jerks-"Wild in the Streets"--I remember this song being old when I was in high school. It's as good as I remember it.

Television-"In World"--I think that last.fm has pegged my age.

Propaghandi-"Nation States"--Maybe not. This band sucks it big time. I'd rather get a blowjob from Newt Gingrich than ever have to hear this band again.

Emery-"In a Win/Win Situation"--Very Jesusy, very boring.

Polvo-"Lazy Comet"--This is more like what I'd expect to see w/ Fugazi as a search term. One of the few legitimately good songs I've heard. The song ambles like a fat man leaning on a shopping cart in the grocery store. And it's almost as frightening.

The Clash-"The Sound of Sinners"--As good as their self-titled record was, you can't possibly expect that their others would be nearly as good. And you'd be right. The rest of the Clash's stuff, with the possible exception of London Calling, is more or less garbage.

Mogwai-"Dial Revenge"--I got the last.fm tab in IE wet during this song, and suddenly, there are, like, 20 or so new tabs playing the exact same song. Did that reference go over well?

Rapeman-"Hated Chinee"--Steve Albini, as you might know, fucked Pac-Man.

Okay. I think my point comes across... There's no Fugazi that got played. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. This is the primarly problem that I have with last.fm--it won't play exactly what you want to hear on demand, but is rather like a radio station that is directed solely by the tastes of its listeners. And most people have terrible taste.

Not that you'd get anyone to admit that.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

I'm Back, Bitches.

Expect short bursts, brief entries, and the occasional photograph of somethin'. Coming soon (again).

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Underpants!

So, there hasn't been much rustling in the online lives of Le Wif and El Husbando. A couple weeks ago, however, there was a monumentally drunken two-part episode of Le Wif and El Husbando Show. Check it out.

Also, find us on myspace here and vote for us at Podcast Alley.

Next episode is on the way, probably Halloween weekend. There will be music. Lots of music.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Le Wif and El Husbando Show #14: Get in the Cage, Underling

This week, we discuss being touched inappropriately, all of the awesome tattoos El Husbando has, a fast food crazy, the impending Googlephone, give some advice on how to best offend whitey, and El Husbando tries to explain the best place for a wife, only to have it explode in his face.

Listen online at http://lewifandelhusbando.libsyn.com, vote at Podcast Alley, friend us at Myspace, or subscribe in iTunes and write a review.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Le Wif and El Husbando #12: Swimming Pools Suck

This week, we discuss likely scenarios for the end of the world, give some advice on what's required after you do a favor for someone (no, not that kind, you sickass), and talk about disemboweled 6 year old girls. Also, we have a Scambaiting Theatre followup.

Listen online here, send your advice questions to lewifandelhusbando@gmail.com, subscribe in iTunes, and write a review while you're there, and vote for us every month at Podcast Alley.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Le Wif and El Husbando #11

This week, we discuss the current humiliating moments in parenting contest that a weblog is running at the moment, pass along some medium-sized El Husbando news, and discuss, at length, hallmark embarrassing moments in masturbation (courtesy of www.masturbationhorror.com)--and El Husbando includes a few of his own. If you've got some super-embarrassing masturbation stories, send them our way and we'll read them on next week's show. We also theorize different ways to deliver the show and ask for the listeners' advice on the topic. Finally, we play the BEST cover of the Star Wars Theme—courtesy of http://blog.wfmu.org.
Send your advice questions, predictions for the week, or your band's music to lewifandelhusbando@gmail.com, vote for us at Podcast Alley, and write up a review on iTunes.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Le Wif and El Husbando #10

A cabling problem results in an underwaterish quality to the show in an effort to reduce the noise, so we play sweet house beats behind our talkin'. Yay! We discuss OJ Simpson's book (available for download at: INSERT), the apparent goose shit problem in DC, the motherfucking raccoons that stole our food, give some advice on how to respond to rumors, the fact that Cincinnati Critical Mass is next Friday, and toss around the idea of having a show guest or two. What do you think?
Send your advice questions, your predictions for the week, and your music in mp3 format to lewifandelhusbando@gmail.com. Write a review on iTunes and vote for us at Podcast Alley.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Le Wif and El Husbando Show #8: Le Wif Just Shows Up and Talks

This week, we talk about Westboro Baptist Church, take a quick break to fix a microphone and avert a fight, give some advice on how to not buy a girlfriend and why not to buy dong-enlarger pills, and introduce a new segment on Le Wif and El Husbando Show: Scambaiting Theatre, wherein we actually respond to those crazy Nigerian Scam Letters and try to make shenanigans ensue. Also, we close out the show with the track “Empty File” by Kiemix.

Go to our myspace page at http://www.myspace.com/lewifandelhusbando, send your music, advice questions, or predictions for the week to us at lewifandelhusbando@gmail.com, vote for us at Podcast Alley, and write up a review on our iTunes page.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

#7: The Reason Dinosaurs Don't Exist Anymore is Because They Couldn't Fit on the Ark

This week, we talk a little more about bikes, learn that children poop in shoes for attention (and that Le Wif was properly raised) as we talk about a small child who may have ruined world peace for everyone, give some advice on how to meet up with a friend and also advertise a CAR FOR SALE. Also, we talk about the new Creation Museum and play some music from Umin.

Send us your music in mp3 format to lewifandelhusbando@gmail.com.

Listen online at http://lewifandelhusbando.libsyn.com, find us at http://www.myspace.com/lewifandelhusbando and friend us, and send your advice questions and/or predictions for the coming week to lewifandelhusbando@gmail.com.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Le Wif and El Husbando Show #6: Gay Women Bowl Overhand

This week, we read some passive-agressive notes from http://passiveaggressivenotes.wordpress.com, retarded people at work, dole out some advice on how to manipulate your family regarding a graduation party, and how to get away with thievery, Chris Roller's godly powers, and talk about riding a bike to work.

Listen online at http://lewifandelhusbando.libsyn.com, register on our forums at http://86.freebb.com/lewifandelhusba, subscribe in your podcatcher using the address http://lewifandelhusbando.libsyn.com/rss, and send your advice questions and weekly predictions to us at lewifandelhusbando@gmail.com.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

New Podcast Episode!

This week, we discuss good ol' Jerry Falwell's greatest hits, dole out some advice concerning revenge, and talk about the greatest YouTube video ever: the 18-year-old boys in Peer Pressure getting it on with an ottoman. Send your advice questions and weekly predictions to lewifandelhusbando@gmail.com, listen online right here, visit our myspace page at http://www.myspace.com/lewifandelhusbando, and subscribe in your podcatcher using the address http://lewifandelhusbando.libsyn.com/rss.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Le Wif and El Husbando Episode 4: Punch Her in the Uterus

This week, we discuss animal cruelty in the news, dole out some sex advice, instruct you how to build a pyramid scheme, and talk about the crappy state of contemporary music. Also, three brand new burritos get El Husbando on his feet-o.

Visit us at our blog, listen online at lewifandelhusbando.libsyn.com, sign up at our forums here, and send your advice questions and weekly predictions here. Also, subscribe in your podcatcher (iTunes, etc.) using the address http://lewifandelhusbando.libsyn.com/rss.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

The Podcast...

Episode 3 of Le Wif and El Husbando show is up now. Give it a listen. Here's a quick summary:

Following the apparent disappearance of Le Wif, I decide that the show must go on and discuss hoaxes, my bachelor party, jerking off to Patty Duke—and then making a plea for her contact, and I come up with some half-baked theory that people shouldn't try to be better people. For the record, I'm totally wrong about the notion that people shouldn't try to better themselves.

Contact us with your advice questions and with your predictions at lewifandelhusbando@gmail.com, tell people you know about us, subscribe in your podcatcher using the address http://lewifandelhusbando.libsyn.com/rss, and for the love of God, HELP ME FIND MY WIFE!

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Le Wif and El Husbando Show

It's up and runnin', y'all! This week's episode tackles mostly true predictions from 1900, www.toddler-fights.com, and dookin' vaginas, and more. Email us at lewifandelhusbando@gmail.com with your advice questions, your predictions for the week to come, and with your guesses for our weekly bragging rights game, mission statement of the week. Also, register on our forums to further discuss shows and other junk right here.

Enjoy, subscribe, and hopefully we'll hear from you!

El Husbando

Saturday, April 14, 2007

No More Posts...

Le Wif and I have decided to start a podcast. Frequency of release and length has not been decided as of yet, but it will be either 20 minutes 4-5 days a week or 1 hour once a week. We're leaning in no direction right now, but it'll be decided soon.

To subscribe, you can go to iTunes, click on "Advanced," then "Subscribe to Podcast," and then type in http://lewifandelhusbando.libsyn.com. You can also go to the show's blog for any further news and other show-related links, like our show's forums, for example.

So, that was the announcement that I referenced earlier today (or, yesterday, as it were). Look for episodes to begin appearing in the next seven days or so, and sign up at the forums and, for the sake of Jesus, SUBSCRIBE.

Friday, April 13, 2007

I did it my way...

Hey y'all--

This weblog won't be around much longer. I'm going to keep it up, but I won't be posting to it any longer, probably. There is news on the horizon, and I'll be announcing it either this weekend or early next week... stay tuned.

J

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Sweet Christ.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

I'm pretty much a lady.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Batman Redux

A while ago, I asked folks to email me stories about the Cincinnati Batman. Nobody did. So, I'm going to ask again.

I've heard from several folks that there was a guy around the University Plaza/Downtown/OTR areas dressing up like Batman, jumping from one building to another, and helping people in much the same way that the comic book/movie/television character we've come to know and love. This is from the late 80's/early-to-mid 90's. Has anybody actually seen this guy? Has anybody heard one of the stories? If you have, please email me. I'm thinking about writing something on vigilantism and real-life superheroes. Or something like that.


maoglone@gmail.com

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

I have pictures

Of the house and plan to write something about it soon. We've been there for around four months, and it's way overdue. So, soon.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Things are beginning to come together on the 1st floor of the house. It's comfortable-ish now, and it's amazing what new paint and pulling up carpet will do for a room. Blaise came over at about 10:30 in the morning and helped us out. He is awesome.

The "before" picture is taken through the living room/dining room doorway, but you can get a good idea of what we had to look at every time we walked through the room. The "after" photo is what we did to it. You'll notice the doorway from the "before" photo on the right. You'll also notice a cat, if you look hard enough.

Before:
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After:
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Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Oh. My. God.

It makes sense, it's logical, but it never crossed my mind that this could actually happen. Ever.

Go to google and type in "retarded white tiger." For a close-up, go here.

I am going to have terrible dreams.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

It's been a year already...

I graduated with an MFA a year ago this week. It's been a busy year, and I'm still working on the same book that I was working on then. It was my thesis. Crazy.

The difference from then to now is that I know how to buy a house, sell a house, fix a toilet, kill a squirrel, seal a deck, pull up carpet, paint a room (or two), patch a hole in a house's eaves, cut a huge branch from a tree without injuring myself or someone else, and mix a good drink. I also now know how to work a cuff link, a few basic dance steps, and how to install a television receiver into a PC.

Don't know how to write a book just yet; I don't know that I'll ever know that.

I plan to learn how to make lamps this year, to make cheap gifts that people will appreciate, how to deal with a literary agent, and, hopefully, how to market a book. This is the short list.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

And the home improvement begins...

We painted our dining room over the long weekend. Here it is...

Before:
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After:
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We're going to do the living room in the next couple weeks.