Wednesday, November 29, 2006

I am such a friggin' moron...

We bought a house in September. I'll post pictures at some point, but that's not what this story's about, completely.

We bought a house. There's a spot in one of the eaves that's been partially destroyed, and we knew we'd have to fix it at some point. We were about to borrow a ladder and get it done when I saw a cute lil' squirrel head poking out of the hole in the eave.

"Fuck," I thought, and called Le Wif up to check it out. The little creature bounded out of the hole, on to the roof/overhang above the back door, and hopped onto a branch and made his getaway.

I used to think squirrels were cute. Now, they're vagrant assholes that are living off of me. Anyone familiar with The Punisher? That's kind of how I feel. Except I figured that I'd take a more cerebral approach than making my house blow up.

Le Wif and I did some Internet research and figured the best way to handle the problem would be with some live traps and peanut butter. We'd then take the live trap, fill up a garbage can with water, and presto! Squirrel problem solved.

Easy enough.

So I chummed the trap for a while (for those not familiar with trapping animals, it's a term for baiting but not setting a trap, so that the animal will get used to eating there with no consequence--and that's how you get 'em), noting the squirrels' activities--they were getting to the bait in the morning or early evening. Whatever.

About a week or so later (read: this week), I started setting the trap in the evening, and then leaving it not set while Le Wif and I were at work. No squirrels.

Today, I left the trap set, and as I walked home, I knew there'd be a squirrel in it. And there was. I took off my jacket (I wore a suit to work today--a story barely too long to relate right now), dumped my bag, and went upstairs to retrieve the little fucker.

I untied the rope that I'd secured the trap to the roof with, and took the freeloading a-hole back outside, next to the garbage can. I turned the water on, waited for the can to fill up. When it was finally full, I dropped the trap in.

This is where I went wrong.

The live traps have these little wires that you place a certain way so that the trap will stay shut. I didn't think. Or bother to think. Some shit floats in water, and the rules of physics change a little when stuff gets submerged.

The wires came out of their "locked" position and the bastard hopped out of the trap, out of the garbage can, and exploded into the woods.

"Fuck," I said aloud, and then went back inside, wet, empty trap in hand. All that success for one abject failure.

If at first you don't succeed...

Kill a goddamn squirrel today.

Monday, November 27, 2006


What an amazing Bengals game yesterday. Enough said about that, really...

I have a major dilemma on Thursday--the Bengals play at the same time The Office is on. We don't have a DVR or Tivo or anything like that... It'll be a bunch of flipping back and forth, I think.

Question: I'm preparing a mix cd for a friend of mine, and I'm wondering what y'all think of this playlist:

Cha Cha Twist/Detroit Cobras
Cake/Going The Distance
Baby Elephant Walk/Henry Mancini
Zig Zag Wanderer/Captain Beefheart
Dear Diary/Masta Ace
Sons And Daughters/The Decemberists
Take This Job And Shove It/Johnny Paycheck
Wagon Wheel/Old Crow Medicine Show
My Favorite Place/J Church
I Put A Spell On You/Screamin' Jay Hawkins
When You Were Mine/Crooked Fingers
Space Oddity/Langley Schools Music Project
Jesus Was Way Cool/King Missle
Scuba Dooba Diver/King Kong
Kanye Mahna/Lenlow (This is a remix/mashup of Kanye West's "Golddigger" over an instrumental "Mahna Mahna" from Sesame Street)
Yah! Yah! Yah!/Detroit Cobras
Rah! Rah! Replica/Bikini Kill
The Misfits/Astro Zombies
Shimmy Shimmy Ya/Ol' Dirty Bastard
Shake It/Tom Waits

This is the order that I have it in right now. Would you change it? Is the Tom Waits song too weak to end with? Let me know.


Thursday, November 23, 2006

Turkey Day! Hopefully, I can get Jill to make the turkey noise...

I'll keep this short... It's Thanksgiving today, and I thought I'd post some things that interested me surrounding the holiday. The first two things are completely disgusting anti-poultry videos (Not for any real political reason, since I don't think PETA is a particularly "good" or "intelligent" organization--you know what? If you want my little rant on PETA, let me know via comments and I'll post it later), and the last thing is one of the many things I'm thankful for this year.

But first, there's some crazy Thanksgiving shit by way of Wikipedia and John Madden:

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Bank of America meeting...

I saw this on BoingBoing.

Ummm... If this isn't proof that corporate culture can be crass and disturbing in much the same way that it was portrayed in Office Space, I don't know what is...

In other news, I freakin' hate U2. Blecch.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Hey! It's the creepiest thing in the entire world! No, really. I almost peed a little:

Holy Moly.

In other news, it's finally a good day to be a Bengals fan. Go to Cincy Jungle.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

It's Rube!

There are conceivably hundreds of these on YouTube. Most of them, though, are animations of Rube Goldberg machines, which is totally lame.
Rube Goldberg Machine
Japanese Rube Goldberg Contest
Rube Goldberg Machines

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

As bad as things are for the Bengals...

At least we're not the Lions. And at least we don't have their coaching staff:

Friday, November 10, 2006


Did anyone see the Office last night? It was hands-down the best episode I've seen. Amazing plot construction, amazing continuation of character arcs, amazing everything. Rock out, Mike Schur.

In other news, the Bengals have a huge, tough home game ahead this weekend. San Diego. Or, more accurately, LaDanian Tomlinson and his cast of amazingly good supporters. The to-do's for the Bengals haven't changed with this game.

I'll post reactions to the game. And maybe something more this weekend. Or something.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

On guilt and animals

I feel horrible. We sent newcat (more commonly known as "Maude," or, as Jill has been calling her of late, "Maudezilla") to the vet's office to get her vagina deactivated. Since she (the cat) tends to be really bad with her claws, we decided to get that taken care of, as well.

We'd done all the research and known how many consider it to be totally inhumane and all that, but we did it anyway. I'm not sure we made the best decision--it doesn't matter. I feel guilty simply because the cat is really loopy from the anaesthesia still.

I feel guilty because she has to wear a cone around her neck and because she's hobbling on her front feet. Which, honestly, is sort of cute, but also sort of sad.

What makes me feel most guilty, though, is the fact that there's blood caking into her paws, where the stitches are. The lesson here? For me--I'm not going to declaw any more cats. For you--if you're human, you shouldn't declaw your cats. If you do, you should feel kinda guilty about it.

Pictures to follow over the next couple/few days.

UPDATE: Here they are... don't puke or yell at me.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Monday, November 06, 2006


This football season is killing me, I swear.

Were it not for the two foibles in the first five minutes, the Bengals have momentum through the whole game and win it in non-dramatic fashion.

That didn't happen at all.

Baltimore looked sharp (until the 4th quarter) and the defense beat the offensive line on just about every play. Not much analysis to do here.

This one hurt, though.